Drunk Humor

I had a foot massage tonight and it was especially ouchy which left me feeling not so creative with what to post. My friend Matt emailed me this joke tonight. It made me laugh out loud so I thought I'd pass it on.

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Mike wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's get together Party. Mike is not normally a mixed drinks drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Mike had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them a single red rose!! Mike sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

Love, Kim'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, fresh orange juice and the morning newspaper. The kids are also at the table, eating. Mike asks, 'Kids... What happened last Night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked them, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

They reply, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

What part of "I don't date married men" are you having trouble with?

The last batch of dating prospects seems to have fizzled out. I'd met a couple of guys and I think the feeling was a mutual 'eh'. No problems, just have to keep fishing.

I re-posted this past weekend. Had a guy answer who seems to be convinced that he is all that. He'd answered a previous posting and this time I said he's have to be more interesting or I wouldn't reply. He couldn't remember answering my post before but this time he was convinced that we were making a real connection and I should send him my phone number and isn't it great that I don't mind that's he's married! Uh, excuse me? married? Ya, sorry, I don't roll that way. My rational is this: If you'd leave someone for me what's to keep you from leaving me for someone else. He was adamant that his marriage is over. I asked him to send me a pdf of his divorce documents and then we could talk. It was more than a little odd that he kept emailing me for over an hour about what a great catch he is and how we'd be perfect together and he's being so honest with me ...

I guess I need to spell it out, don't I? And I realize that I may be preaching to the choir here, at least I hope I am, so here it goes. I have three minimum requirements, mind these are only minimum requirements there are many add on options. 1) Male (I know with the very short hair and the less than girly-girly actions may give other impressions but it's true, romantically I prefer the company of men). 2) Single (that means not married, not in a committed relationship, not but it's been over for a long time, not it's all over but the paperwork. Call me after you've signed on the bottom line). 3) Straight (ya, ok, this one is mostly just to make it more funny, but it is true, I'm looking for a guy that's looking for a girl).

So, these are the bare minimum requirements which need to be met for me to consider a guy as potentially datable. Extra marks are given for wit, intelligence, ability to make me laugh, like or have cats/dogs/or other pets, fondness for the outdoors and water. The list goes on and on. I guess the trick is finding the guy who meets my criteria while at the same time I meet his. Hmm, any suggestions?

Here are some photos of the guys I've e-conversed with and possibly gone out with once, just wanted to give you a cross section of that gets sent to me. I decided not to post any of the penis pics. One of these men is 26 years old. One of these men called me hot and wanted to have all kinds of sex with me. One of these men has herpes. One of these men is currently married. One of these men lives too far away. One of these men discussed his colonoscopy as dinner was being served. One of these men called me adorable (that still makes me smile). One of these men was nice enough but we both felt 'eh' about one another. I've met three of these men.

SSPO in a one two sweep!

Wahoo! We kicked some serious butt today! Our crew was Albert, Lise, Jason, me, Jen, and John steering. There was a little confusion at the start, the starter insisted all the boats had to be lined up between the two bouys. Our boat had lined up just outside, there was no room at the near end so we had to paddle down the entire length of the start line so we could line up at the other end. We got set and the horn went off, we leapt off the start line and never looked back. We opened the gap between us and all the other boats. Our nearest competition was the SSPO women's crew made up of Minnie, Meilee, Lianne, Nancy, Chantelle, and Kristen steering. I was surprised how close the were at the turn, we turned on the juice after the turn and extended the gap between us.

There was never any threat of any boat catching us! I've never been in that position before, it was kinda cool. Our SSPO women seemed closer during the turns but there was never any chance for them to actually catch us. Although the last 25-30% of the race everyone had slowed down and was feeling tired. It was a challenge to convert what energy we had left into moving the boat faster. Keep paddling until you hear the horn, keep paddling. We heard the toot of the air horn and we made it! A few moments later we hear another toot and see the SSPO women crossing the line! We'd taken first in open mixed at 1:20:35 and first in open women at 1:21:00. Way to go!

We fielded three men's crews. The open blue crew was Kevin, Tom, Clem, Than, Ryan, and Alan steering. The open green crew was Frank, Claude, Todd, Patrick, Michael, Koko from Kai Ikaika steering. The master's white crew was Brady, Ernie, Ed, Ken, Karri, and Troy steering. With our Mirage out of commission since the race at Jericho the first open men's crew used a boat borrowed from Seattle Outrigger Canoe Club (SOCC). Even paddling an unfamiliar boat the blue crew was able to turn in a strong performance, they were second in open men at 1:05:14 and were second across the line. The white crew took first in master's at 1:10:06 and were sixth across the line. The green crew took seventh in open men at 1:16:46, still nearly four full minutes ahead of our mixed crew time, and were thirteenth across the line.

We'd hoped the men would sweep their race as well. But I think it was a good day racing all around. The weather was decent if a bit cool and there was no rain. Next year Da Grind should be back at it's regular August weekend and the weather should be a more like summertime. Thanks SOCC for hosting a great race.

More wind, no huli this time

On Thursday night we got our mixed crew together for a practice, good to have at least one before racing together! Albert, Lise, Jason, me, Jen, and John steering. About 5 minutes after leaving the beach the wind, which was already not insignificant, kicked up. I was still a bit apprehensive from Tuesday so we headed north from the SSP beach.

About 15 minutes in we were already in some 1-2 foot swells and I noticed there were whitecaps, too. We continued north a few more minutes before John turned us around. He did an excellent job. Usually turns are made towards the ama or to the left, which keeps us in a more stable configuration. John turned us wide and slow to the right which kept the boat oriented where the wind helped to force the ama down and remain more stable. I never would have thought of that. Just another reason I'm not a steersman. That and my hind parts are too beamy for that seat!

My left butt bone area got a little bit crampy since I was leaning that way to help with our stability. The ama did pop up a few times but never in a way that made me feel like we were going over. However, we had no warning that we were going over Tuesday. We had taken a short break earlier and I instructed Jason and Jen (in seats 3 and 5) to keep an eye on the ama and help keep it in the water.

I'd like to take an aside here and say that Jen is one tough cookie! Her first go our we had her paddle down to the 520, no short paddle. Then Tuesday we huli her and need to be rescued. Then Thursday night taker her out in aggressive conditions. And she keeps coming out! Perhaps she's got a masochistic streak, I don't know. Regardless, Jen, you ROCK!

We made it back to the relatively sheltered area off the SSP beach and practiced turns for a little while. That was rather important since Da Grind has 4 turns. We started to get them dialed in and decided to head back into the beach. We were as good as we were going to be for Saturday's race.

Feel like I've been through the ringer. Oh wait, I have!

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been kinda beat up, big surprise there. I had a chiropractic appointment scheduled as a follow-up to my fall in the shower last Saturday. Hoo, did I need it, all through my shoulders and neck felt clenched up. Dr Hobbs, of Accident Recovery Center, worked to loosen up some of the muscles before trying to make any adjustments. It's always nice to snapped around, especially when it's so needed. I've got another appointment Friday, too.

I went to work after my adjustment, the bus ride was a little painful, my back was really acting up now. Once at the office I was just feeling yucky, pulled muscles, back ache, and very tired. I finished up a little bit of stuff and then headed for home and a good nap. The dogs were happy to see me home early. They are always happy to see me, they're good like that.

After a quick potty trip Llelo was expecting to take a nap with me. It was funny to see, you could tell he was waiting, waiting, are we going to nap now? I put on some pjs and climbed into bed, Llelo hopped up and settled in next to me. I asked if he wanted to get under the covers and he got up and moved around so I could lift the covers over him. Llelo loves to spoon/snuggle even more so when we snuggle under the covers. What elevates it to utter bliss status is when he can snug his nose under my neck, too. He settled right in and headed off to dreamland! We napped for a good three hours, it was delightful.

In the evening I had my regular massage appointment with Carmen. I had told her about my shower fall so she was already planning to spend some extra time working on my back. After hearing about my huli adventures last night she decided to spend the majority of the appointment on my back and shoulders. I could feel the knots melting away, mmm hurts so good. She ended up spending about 5 minutes on my feet, she couldn't leave them untouched, she just couldn't.

Here's hoping my body feels better tomorrow. I think practice Thursday night will be very gentle.

Can I Get a Whoop! Whoop! for Seattle Harbor Patrol & Morgan

I didn't get much work done at home today. Not for lack of trying or desire, though. I just got hung up doing other stuff. I figured I'd have a good paddling practice and then be up working late tonight. Little did I know... We ended up with 7, but Tanja, not having a definite seat for the race Sat opted to head home and get out of the rain. That left us with Lianne, Meilee, Nancy, me, Jen, and Rives steering. And Clem went out on his OC1.

It was raining and quite windy. We headed out towards the dog park and around the point to the south. Once we made it around the point the swell really picked up, 1-2 ft, and washing over the bow and gunwales of the boat. Rives suggested that if it was feeling too gnarly we could turn around. Given my fall last Sat I gave her the signal to turn around after 5-10 minutes of going into that mess. Last time we were in wind like that I was leaning over towards the ama to help keep us stable and it really funked up my back, didn't want a repeat performance.

We made our turn and were headed back towards the point and we ended up beam to the swell. A wave picked up our ama and over we went before we realized it was happening! Wow, a huli in real life! I'd never done one in an OC6 outside the huli drills we have in the fall when the water is warmer. Everyone kept their heads, Jen gathered up the paddles. Nancy and I went to the off ama side of the boat. Lianne and Meilee pushed the ama up and Nancy and I pulled it back over. Then Lianne and Nancy got into the boat to start bailing. The only problem with that was every time they'd bail out a bucket full of water a wave would wash over the gunwale and replace twice as much!

I pulled out my cell phone in it's water proof bag and called Harbor Patrol, I have them on speed dial for just such situations. I'd hoped I'd never have to use it, though. They have to come over from Lake Union, about six miles or so. They said they were on their way and while we were waiting Lianne, Nancy, and Rives were in the submerged boat paddling gently trying to guide the boat towards shore. Clem had caught the bag with the pfd's, it would have floated off to Juanita otherwise. Finally the Harbor Patrol arrived, we were in the water around 30-40 minutes. Their faster boat was broken so they had to take the slower one, the inflatable zodiac type.

We got everyone into the Harbor Patrol boat and all the paddles. The guys tied a line to the OC6 and tried to tow it. Submerged as it was, with the wind and waves as they were, the boat was just not cooperating. They finally had to release the OC6 so they could get our shivering crew to shore. They promised they would come back for the boat and tow it over to the motor boat ramp at Magnuson Park. We were very reluctant to let it go, but, really, what choice did we have?

We got to SSP, waving to the kayakers who were looking quizzically at us. Their expressions said, 'um, aren't you missing something? a boat perhaps?' While the others dashed off to find warm, dry clothes I dashed off to find Morgan, the head of SSP and a pretty good guy. I told him we huli'd the OC6 and had to call Harbor Patrol. He asked why we didn't call him, he'd have come and rescued us. I said, "Honestly, I wasn't thinking that clearly, the Harbor Patrol number is at the top of my contact list, and without my glasses there was no way I could find your number." Living so nearby I often don't bring dry clothes down with me. Morgan lent me some ski pants and I had an extra fleece pull over in the car. A hot shower and dry clothes would have to wait until I got home.

We then set to figuring how to get the OC6 back to SSP. Our first plan was to hitch a trailer to Morgan's truck and load the boat onto it. A bunch of the kayakers offered to help us load even. By the time everyone had changed into dry clothes and gotten some hot tea from the SSP office the wind had completely died down. Morgan suggested we tow the boat back with one of the SSP motor boats. Seemed like a good idea to me.

I rode over with Morgan and Dave in the boat. Nancy & Mike drove Jen, Lianne, and Meilee over. Morgan rigged the lines to the OC6. Lianne sat 5 to steer, I sat 4 with the back up steering blade, and Meilee sat 3 and helped lean left to make sure we didn't huli again. Being towed back was really a lot of fun. At one point they started going a little fast-ish and we went off towards the right as if we were on a wakeboard, they slowed down after that. At one point it felt like they were trying to play crack the whip, Lianne was still trying to get things figured out though. After Lianne got the steering dialed in, we sped up again, this time she totally kept us in the middle! We got back to SSP, put the boat to bed, and headed out in search of hot showers and warm suppers.

Thanks everyone for keeping calm and cool under pressure. We were in a serious situation and we all kept our heads and worked together. It was key that we stayed with the boat, kept our paddles, and even though help was on the way we still worked towards saving ourselves. Had Harbor Patrol not made it we could have made it to shore, it would have taken a while and we'd have been a bit hypothermic, but we could have done it. Everybody made it back ok, the boat and paddles were all fine as well. Our only losses were 2 water bottles, a flip flop, a water shirt, and Nancy's GPS, not so bad, really.

an epiphany of sorts and Da Grind

I left the office today with a little bit of a bounce in my step. We finally have enough work that I can bring some home and work from home tomorrow. As I was making my way to the bus tunnel it flashed into my head, I haven't been able to work from home consistently for over a month. And that's, in part, what's helped cause my blogging to be less frequent. I have no guilt blogging during my work from home days but blogging in the office just seems like a really bad idea. I don't know that we will have lots of work regularly, we keep hoping another big project will hit and we'll be so busy we can't see straight but it hasn't arrived yet.

While taking a bit of a break today and looking at a blog I follow I saw this ad. Don't know if it's factual or not but I like their marketing ideas.

I'd like to invite everyone and anyone down to Alki Beach in Seattle this Saturday June 7 for Da Grind. It's an outrigger race sponsored by Seattle Outrigger Canoe Club (SOCC). The women's and mixed crew race will begin at 9:30 and the men's race will begin 30 minutes after the first race has completed. It's a pretty good race for viewing from the beach, it's two laps and the boats pass quite close to the beach. Last year between each lap the boats had to stop have a paddler jump out, run up the beach around a cone, then back into the boat so the second lap could begin. It's silly and fun and a great way for viewers to see the boats and paddlers up close. That little run may not be held this year as Da Grind is being held 2 months early and the water will still be pretty cold. But truthfully, when is the water in Elliot Bay ever not cold! Here's some video from last years race, I'm in seat four of the Sail Sand Point crew. If you have really good eyes you can see me on the start line, I have on a long sleeved dark blue shirt and a neon green hydration fanny pack. Not that my fanny needs hydration any more than the rest of me ...


Hope we can see you down there!